Collaborative Alternatives

Divorce the Collaborative Way
by Peggy Thompson, Ph.D.
Director of Collaborative Divorce East Bay

The idea of collaboration sounds crazy when you are in the thick of the intense and often confusing emotions accompanying divorce. This was true for Karen when she called for help. Her husband of 12 years had left her for another woman.

Although Karen had had a profession, she and Jim had agreed that she should be a full-time mom, dedicated to taking care of the family.

Karen, now working full-time, was exhausted, confused and depressed. Her dreams shattered by some "sleazy woman" and the "stupid, selfish man," Karen was angry and hurt. Karen did not want her children exposed to "that other woman," so they had never visited their father's new home.

The children, all under the age of seven showed signs of distress. Jim had spent little time with the children since the breakup; he was struggling with his own confused feelings. He was stressed by work, a new relationship, financial problems and lack of contact with his children.

Karen called Collaborative Divorce and received help from the child/divorce counselor. The child counselor saw the children, contacted the day-care and the teachers, and gave helpful advice. Although Karen had been in weekly therapy for the past six months, she felt "as if the breakup happened yesterday." The structured, focused approach of her divorce counselor relieved her distress and helped her think more clearly.

Concern for his children brought Jim in to talk with the child/divorce counselor and, finally, a divorce counselor himself. He began overcoming his guilt and anger and focusing more on the needs of his children and his own stress. During his vacation, he wanted the children to visit him at his home. Karen, with the help of the child counselor, helped Jim plan this transition. Her changed attitude surprised Jim and affected his attitude toward her. Instead of heading toward attorneys to fight for their rights, they are laying the foundation for new lives as parents in a cooperative way.

After experiencing positive results, both parents now feel committed to the collaborative divorce process. There are still many issues to be resolved. There is more goodwill between them, which makes the process easier. They met with their collaborative law attorneys, who are committed to working with the couple to resolve problems fairly. Karen and Jim now prepare to face the journey of divorce.

We know that while intense feelings initially bring two people together to become a couple, equally intense negative feelings usually accompany the break up. If these negative emotions are not addressed, they prove to be bonds the legal papers do not dissolve and keep the couple in destructive conflict. Addressing emotional trauma at the beginning, collaborative divorce enables the couple to move through financial and legal decisions with less pain and greater clarity of thought.

Originally published in The Woman's Voice Magazine-February / March 97 Edition

Return to Articles